2014 has seen me enter into a period of transition in my life. A period where I’ve made some difficult choices with the sole purpose of bettering myself and those that I choose to surround myself with. Ending relationships, delving into new ones, living on my own, leaving my job, furthering my education — all of my previous decisions have been based on whether or not they were safe. As I take this transitioning time to reflect on the status of my past, present, and future, a common theme or word that seems to come up for me is support and more importantly, how that fits in my life.
I can think of times when people have told me “Whatever you need Shannel; I am here for you,” or, “I am listening, tell me what’s going on,” and while for a brief moment on numerous occasions do I believe those words, they are rarely followed through in action. And of course there are a host of reasons why someone can’t follow through with the support they promised to another, but at some point, when this lack of action becomes repetitive, when the light at the end of the problem-solving tunnel dims, one has to decide whether there is a place for that person in their life. It is this realization that is always hardest for me, simply for the fact that I try to see the potential in people and choose to adhere to one’s best qualities, and while most would consider this acceptance of others as a positive trait, it sways me to forget to tend to my own needs.
“Let go your earthly tether. Enter the void. Empty and become wind.”
Now’s the time that I stop focussing so much time and energy on people who give nothing back to me and redirecting them to developing relationships that will. I have never been one to take things from people, even if offered, and still feel comfortable doing so. My past experiences and the way I was raised has led me to be self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone and when I cope with conflicts and encounter excitement, both internal and external, I hope that those who say they are there for me also act they are there for me. Sometimes the people who are truly there for you are the ones you don’t know so well.
As I enter the void in my life, a place not full of emptiness, not brimming with nothingness, but a space of neutrality, I only hope that something better awaits me on the other side. I am sensitive, intelligent, cautious, creative, determined, resilient, doubting, patient, unpredictable, a loner, indecisive, supportive, empathetic, darkly humoured, compassionate, pragmatic, dedicated, introverted, resourceful, moody, generous, and a plethora of other things — and if you can’t accept all of these in the complete imperfect package labelled Shannel, then you might not deserve so much of my attention.
